How association between likability and agreeability keeps us stuck in our career

Have you ever refrained from speaking up because you wanted to give a positive impression and did not want to rock the boat?

I have been in such situations many times. For the sake of improving the professional relationship or not appearing confrontational, I would let people walk over me, hoping that things will be better the next time around. But they seldom did.

False association between likeability and agreeability

But in the last few years, thanks to my own experience and thanks to working with over 50 clients in coaching conversations, I have realized that the association between likability and agreeability is just not correct.

In the short run, people might like it if you don’t disagree. They do like it if you don’t rock the boat.

People respect it when you take a stand

But in the long run, they learn that you don’t have much to contribute other than being a “yes-man” (or a “yes-woman”). Instead, standing up for yourself makes you likable, and people tend to respect you more. Because you stand up for your values, you are consistent and value-driven. And they can rely on you.

We are not talking here about disagreeing for disagreeing sake. We are talking about speaking up when something is against your values. We are talking about speaking up when you know things are not right around you.

Ask this question from yourself: do you like people who are push-overs (even when they want to speak up), or do you like people who stand for themselves? The intuitive answer suggests that there is an attractiveness we have built-in for assertive people. At the same time, we have a repulsion towards somebody being unkind.

Be assertive with kindness

Assertiveness goes a long way when it comes to long-term success, earning respect, and likability. Assertiveness without aggression (a.k.a., assertiveness with kindness) goes even further.

You don’t have to be aggressive when you are being assertive. It takes skill and practice to speak your truth with kindness. Being mindful during the conversation is one practice that can help you be aware of your association between disagreeing and being aggressive. In my own life and career, I have seen that when I have found a way to state my disagreement with kindness, I can get unstuck and move forward. Otherwise, I used to keep oscillating between the desire to tell them my truth and living my own value. For long-term success, you need both.

So, don’t be a push-over. And don’t be overly aggressive. The common misconception in career advice is to pick one of the other.

Instead, you can pick both. You can choose to be assertive with kindness.

What are you going to do about it?

Now the ball is in your court. The article is coming to a close, but take another one minute, and in the next minute, can you think of one situation in the near future where you can apply this insight, where you can really speak your truth, and also be kind to the other person?

Go ahead. Be assertive. Be kind.

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Also posted as a blog post.